Sharktopus: A Play-by-Play

Did you catch this SyFy disaster last Saturday night? Fear not! Though it was far worse than expected, I suffered through the event, just for YOU! There were far better things on TV that night, too. I caught glimpses of the Boise State game during the commercials, and let me tell you, that Smurf-blue field looked far more enticing! But I stuck it out so that I could present to you:

My thoughts while watching Sharktopus, recorded by the minute.

3 min – The “ding” of the elevator sounds just like my microwave oven chime.

7 min – They didn’t waste any time with pesky details like plot or exposition.

10 min – Roger Corman must have pictures of Eric Roberts with a donkey or something.

13 min – Roberts isn’t even trying. I think he’s cold-reading the script from cue cards.

15 min – Hot woman on beach – the movie is getting better.

16 min – Oh wait, Sharktopus killed her. Movie sucks again.

19 min – Not so attractive woman goes bungee jumping. I’m okay with her dying.

30 min – Various shots of sun-soaked, bikini-clad hotties flashes across the screen. This should be the centerpiece of the film.

37 min – Sharktopus attacks sunbathers. The CGI is so bad I find myself growing nostalgic for a guy in a big rubber suit.

42 min – A man tells Roberts there’s something on TV he has to see. I’m pretty sure it’s not Sharktopus.

44 min – The lead actress’s voice keeps shifting from British to American. She must’ve studied at the Kevin Costner Robin Hood School of Acting.

51 min - Is there enough alcohol in the house to get through this movie?

62 min – Pretty sure Roberts is drunk. Lucky basterd.

64 min – They should rename “SyFy Saturday Night” to “SyFy Saturday Craptacular.”

73 min – The upside to being eaten by Sharktopus: you don’t have to sit through the rest of Sharktopus.

80 min – A pirate radio DJ mocks Sharktopus and is devoured. This is a life lesson, people!

83 min – Sharktopus just pantsed some guy. That was… awkward.

93 min – No really, Roberts is hammered. This guy was on a three-day bender shooting this film.

98 min – The movie just morphed into a Puerto Vallarta travelogue. Or a bad Bollywood film. Not sure which.

101 min - I wonder if Boise State is still winning?

107 min – Roberts is killed by Sharktopus and there was much rejoicing.

110 min – Our hero now intends to run over Sharktopus with a minivan. Hope he’s insured.

122 min – Sharktopus is arrested on tax evasion charges. Movie over.

Now you don't have to waste two hours of your life! You can thank me later...