Friday, July 1, 2011

Transformers III, FFW, and Swamp Shark - a Play-By-Play!

Ninja party today!

Elizabeth Mueller has a HUGE contest/giveaway for the release of her new novel, Darkspell. There are some cool prizes, including a gargoyle, so check it out. She’s also making a guest appearance here on July 11.


Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Giant fighting robots! Lots of action! Special effects! Chicago in ruins! (Sorry, Michael.) And if you’re expecting anything more from the third film from Michael Bay based on a toy line, forget it. Wasn’t perfect – editing seemed rushed – but better than the second film. And in 3D – whoa! Leave brain at door and prepare for eye candy.

Fantastic Friday Writers - The Science in Science Fiction

I’m not tech or science heavy in my writing. (You want some science tips, visit Stephen Tremp.) But it does all have to make sense, even if you’re messing with physics. And it needs consistency. My greatest challenge was with the teleporters found on the Cassan’s ships. It’s almost a symbiotic relationship between the mechanical device that powers the jump and the Cassan’s mental ability to fold space. Once I had the logistics figured out, I had to adhere to the rules I’d created. (Which meant the final battle scene went through many rewrites as I tried to figure out how to make it all work!)

Check with my FFW partners Elizabeth, Anastasia, J. D., Deirdre, M. Pax, and Jeffrey for a take on science that actually makes sense!

And now – Swamp Shark – a play-by-play!

Entertainment Weekly gave this cinematic suppository an F+. My expectations are not quite that high.


9:00 - When the producer of the film is named Badish, it pretty much sets the tone.


9:02 - Drunken revelers starting off a movie about a rogue shark. Now where have I seen that before?


9:10 - I'm literally watching D.B. Sweeney and Kristy Swanson destroy their careers (sad.)


9:12 - This movie was either edited by seven monkeys with scissors or Freddie Krueger and Edward Scissorhands.


9:14 - Just to make sure they have every movie stereotype in place, they now introduce the moronic, hard-partying frat boy.


9:16 - Impatiently waiting for the loveable drunk to get eaten.


9:17 - Does this mean the shark is now drunk or is it more like eating half a rum cake?


9:42 - Apparently, there is an app for hunting a rogue shark with gator radio beacons lodged in its stomach. Apple rocks!


10:18 - D.B. Sweeney takes Kristy Swanson to see chewed up corpses in the morgue - now that's what I call a first date. (Eat your heart out ladies!)


10:22 - Idiotic frat boy finally gets eaten - and there was much rejoicing.


That's all I can take folks, I can't watch anymore. However, I assume the shark ends up eating the entire state of Louisiana, gets bad indigestion from a funky batch of gumbo, and explodes.

Now where’s my Hot Tamales???

And to my American friends, have a great Fourth of July!

81 comments:

Margo Benson said...

Thanks for a good Friday morning laugh, Alex....there must be a whole warehouse full of sharky props!

The science stuff is interesting, it has to be both imaginitive and plausable. Even though the writer is God, things can't be too ridiculous.

welcome to my world of poetry said...

Thanks also for the laugh Alex, really enjoyed the post.

Have a great 4th of July it will be my eldest grandchilds' birthday also that day,

Yvonne.

tfwalsh said...

Swamp Shark... sounds like a crazy movie I'd pick up and watch:P So going to watch Transformers too:)

Ellie Garratt said...

Hehe. Hot Tamales on the way. Have a great holiday weekend!

Elizabeth Spann Craig/Riley Adams said...

At least watching the idiotic frat boy get eaten was worth it! Ha! Great review.

Rusty Webb said...

Now I can't decide which movie to see this weekend - you made swamp shark sound so intriguing. I wonder if it ended with a showdown between it and swamp squid.

High drama.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Margo, glad I could start your morning with a smile.

Yvonne, then I hope you have a wonderful weekend with family!

Elizabeth, my review is far better than the actual movie.

Rusty, only if I don't have to watch swamp shark and squid fight.

Amy said...

Great play by play Alex! I didn't have the chance to watch the movie, mostly because Lake Placid 2 was on before it and I had to leave the channel for the night. :)

Have a great weekend, and here is a box of Hot Tamales!

L. Diane Wolfe said...

Why does SyFy even bother making movies?

salarsenッ said...

YAY for Elizabeth!!!

One of my kids saw Transformers yesterday. He thought the action was awesome! Have a great 4th of July.

Matthew MacNish said...

I don't see the point of Transformers without Megan Fox. The new girl looks like a man.

Old Kitty said...

Hooorah for Elizabeth!!! Transformers are toys in Hamleys and Sharks live in the sea.

Yes, once you get the logistics of Cassan teleporters correct, first stop for Byron is Old Kitty's Boudoir for some mental symbiosis. Ahem.

Take care
x

Sarah Ahiers (Falen) said...

We're hitting up transformers this evening! Looking forward to it!

Budd said...

Swamp shark sounds bad, I watched sea snakes the other weekend. It was pretty bad as well.

M.J. Fifield said...

I was really hoping you'd talk about Wade Boggs's cameo as a sheriff in Swamp Shark. I missed watching the movie and am scanning my TV listings to find out when they'll run it again.

So glad to hear Transformers 3 was better than the last one (although it wouldn't have taken much). I may not feel so bad when I spend $10 to see it.

MOCK! said...

If you know what you are getting into with Transormfers, you will not be disappointed. I also felt the same way about Green Lantern....

Carol Kilgore said...

Hope I never meet a swamp shark.
Happy 4th!

Deana said...

Can't wait to see a movie where I don't have to think, I can just watch. Go Transformers!

You say the Science tech stuff isn't your thing so my hat goes off to you even more for making it your thing if only partially:)

And that shark sounds umm...fasinating. I like your ending quite a bit:)

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Amy, thanks, and I think you made a wise choice.

Diane, someone has to employ crappy actors.

Oh, Matthew, no she didn't!!!

Kitty, I'll send him right over.

Sarah, just enjoy the scope of the whole thing.

MJ, I had mentioned him, but had to cut a few lines. He seems to play a bad guy in every crappy film.

Mock, precisely!

Carol, only if you're in a bad SyFy movie.

Deana, I bet my ending was better than the movie's.

Christine Rains said...

*LOL* Now I don't have to watch the movie. I've seen it all through your play-by-play.

Have a great long weekend!

Charles Gramlich said...

I watched the first one. mehh. I was never into the transformers. was too old by the time the craze hit. My wife knows the stories but didn't care for the movies.

Huntress said...

OMGosh...laughing...too...hard... to see my monitor...Swamp Shark. Or is it Shark Swamp. Or Shamp Swark.
*wiping tears off my cheeks*

Stephen Tremp said...

Thanks for the shout out! And good luck with your teleporters.

I saw the first showing Transformers 3-D yesterday. The theatre was surprsingly empty. I thought the 3-D effects were exceptional. Story and dialogue were okay, but they didn;t need to be strong as the effects and extended action scenes carried the movie.

The air gliders were very cool too. I saw the making of these scenes a few months ago as these extreme thrill seekers were hired to jump off tops of skyscrapers and glide through downtown Chicago. That was very cool too!

Enjoy your holiday!

Summer Ross said...

I'm interested in transformers- Sad that Swanson is in that movie! Thanks for the information. Have a terrific Friday Alex!

Pat Tillett said...

First to the science. I think you did a great job handling the physics in your book. The final battle scene really worked well. Exciting...
Swamp Shark...you just gotta love the title. You just KNOW it's a stinker. I'd watch it just to laugh. It can't be worse than Anaconda. Or can it?

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Christine, you don't want to watch it!

Charles, I was too old when they came out as toys, but still like giant fighting robots on the big screen.

Huntress, glad I could make you laugh!

Stephen, no way I'm jumping off a perfectly good building!

Thanks, Pat. I think it's worse because it's BORING.

Ciara said...

I'm glad there's a new heroine. Not sure I expected much except action from the movie. Have a great 4th!

~Sia McKye~ said...

I'll just bypass the shark entirely.

So, you enjoyed Transformers? With Movies like these, I always check my brain in at the door. I need to suspend belief.

I believe this afternoon I'm going to pop some popcorn and watch Avatar again.

Have a great weekend Alex and Mrs Alex! Hope there are some spectacular fireworks in your immediate future> :-)

Sia McKye's Thoughts...OVER COFFEE

LynNerd said...

You're hilarious. You made me laugh out loud. Great review of a terrible movie. You made the best of it!

Heather M. Gardner said...

That was hilarious!
Thank you!

Arlee Bird said...

So should one be drunk to enjoy Swamp Shark? Or would it be better to be passed out drunk?

Oh, and how was the Pink Floyd soundtrack in the Transformers movie?


Lee
Tossing It Out

Carol Fleisher said...

I definitively liked transformers 2 better than three but great eye candy and I'm glad that I missed the swamp shark. Thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting on my poem. that's exactly what I was trying to say. happy fourth to you and yours.

Suze said...

Funny that you state you're not science of tech heavy in your writing and in the next breath you're writing about symbiotic relationships between machine and mind.

I'd say you do all right. :)

Jemi Fraser said...

We just rewatched Transformers the other night to prepare.. :)

Belle Wong said...

Loved the play-by-play, Alex! Very fun!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Ciara, once it gets rolling, it's all action.

Thanks, Sia! And another go at Avatar sounds great.

Lyn and Heather, thanks!!

Lee, I recommend passed out drunk.

Carol, you too!

Suze, thanks - I appreciate that.

Jemi, so you know to check mind at door, right?

Hey Belle!! Glad you enjoyed it.

RaShelle said...

Yay for cinematic eye candy. Thanks Alex!

Susan Kane said...

Sad to say, my husband John watches ALL those crappy type shows, and records them so he can show me the worst, most stupid parts! But I loved the blow-by-blow! When I was those, I substitute dialogue, like the old Science Fiction 3000. Good to laugh today.

Sangu said...

I have been meaning to go see Transformers 3. 2 annoyed me a bit, but it's always good for mindless laughs and entertainment so yay! Definitely be cool in 3D.

M Pax said...

lol much rejoicing and monkeys with scissors. Maybe I'm not sorry I missed this one.

RJR said...

Thanks for the transformers thoughts, thinking of seeing it this weekend, expect entertainment with out brain power being required, from what you say, I will get what I expect.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Susan, I am so sorry!

Sangu, the third will not annoy you like two.

Mary, be thankful. VERY thankful!

RJR, then you will enjoy it!

Clarissa Draper said...

Funny! Glad I missed the shark movie. But, I'm going to see Trans 3 tomorrow and can't wait for the "eye candy"!

Liza said...

Happy Fourth Alex. Okay, I'll join you in the Hot Tamales!

Chuck said...

I missed Swamp Shark! Now with this teaser I have to see it...scanning Dish menu now...and recording. Thanks Alex. Word on pub date for sequel??

Lydia K said...

That synopsis in and of itself was hilarious. Probably better than watching it myself.

Ella said...

Happy you went to the movies; My son went today, too. I haven't heard he is making a day of it with a group of friends. One is leaving for the army.
You must have Hot Tamales for the 4th...firecracker hot is required! lol

Happy 4th of July to you n' yours~

Karen Peterson said...

I'm still on the fence about Transformers III.

I think I lost brain cells just from reading your play-by-play of Swamp Shark. I can't imagine what would be left of my brain stem if I'd actually forced myself to watch the movie.

Leovi said...

As a child I dreamed of being able to teleport. Farewell to accidents and traffic jams, and terrified of planes ...

iNews said...

Awesome post, thanks!
I like your blog.
+Follow

The Old Silly said...

Still laughing, lol. Some pretty shark humour! I think I will see T-formers 3, the 3D has gotta rock those characters!

Have a great 4th, my man!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Clarissa, you will get eye candy.

Chuck, prepare for total boredom! And I'll let everyone know what's happening with the sequel soon.

Ella, you're right - Hot Tamales fit!

Karen, sorry to damage your brain!

Marvin, it's a must see in 3D!

Tina said...

OMG you cracked me up with that play-by-play!
I was going to wait until I'd finished it to comment, but so far I'm sucked into your created world and don't want to leave. LOVE the symbiotic relationship (good way to describe it) between teleporter and Cassan. When I first saw "teleporter" the name didn't strike me, I was thinking Beam Me up, Scotty. Then when I quickly caught on to the mental, as in telepathy, part of the transport, I was hooked. Of course, I sorta have a crush on Byron, poor, lonely soul. He could use some unconditional love, you know ;-) Anyway, I'm half-way through, will comment more about it when I'm done.
Going to head over to Elizabeth's and see what's up.
Tina @ Life is Good

Glynis said...

Thanks for the weekend giggle, Alex!

Donna K. Weaver said...

So Transformers 3 is better than 2? 'Cuz 2 was pretty bad. I heard some people say the 3D game them headaches because there was too much action. *sigh* Hubby so wants to see this.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Tina, you're reading my book? Thanks! Glad you like my concept of teleportation. Yeah, Byron could probably use a hug.

Donna, I worried about that, but it depends on the theater. I saw it in digital, so no headache at all.

Helen Ginger said...

That was undoubtedly the best play by play of a movie I never want to see. You rock.

Cheeseboy said...

Holy crap. Now I really HAVE to DVR Swamp Shark next time it is on! So funny!

I think I'll pass on the Transformers though.

Amanda Trought said...

The swamp shark sounds hilarious, Im looking forward to seeing transformers though, have a blessed weekend, Amanda

Amanda - Realityarts-Creativity
Art Blog

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Helen, thanks! And you don't want to see it. Ever.

Cheese boy, no, don't do it!

You as well, Amanda,

Jamie (Mithril Wisdom) said...

I couldn't bring myself to watch Transformers 2, so I think 3 will pass me by too. I've always wondered if a shark could get drunk by eating a drunk person too, hehe.

I'm not a a fan of tech heavy sci-fi, it just goes straight over my head. Simple science suits me fine :)

Nebular said...

What the heck happened with my comment?! :) I probably forgot to publish it. Anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed Transformers 3, and thought it was MUCH better than the second film. Oh, and I love your play-by-play reviews... they're hilarious! :) Love shark flick, but will avoid Swamp Shark at all costs.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Jamie, probably why you liked my style of writing then!

George, no idea! Yes, third much better than the second. And save your brain cells - don't watch Swamp Shark.

Lynda R Young said...

swamp shark -- hahahahahahahahha I'm almost disappointed it's not on in Oz. lol.

ali said...

ROFL!! Having just watched Swamp Shark, I got a serious kick out of your play-by-play. :D

Bryce Daniels said...

Is Entertainment Weekly really sure this is a movie?

Or is it the reenactment of Mr. Badish's (Okay, Alex. Come on. April Fool's was three months ago.) nightmare after eating too many hot tamales?

Actually, I sense a cult following. (Read that however you want.)

lilabraga said...

Thanks for a good Friday morning laugh, Alex...hahahah
fab. review! ;)
lila

Προεδρος said...

i ve liked the second moovie, does this mean that i will love this one?

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Lynda, that would ruin Oz forever.

Ali, I am so sorry you had to watch it.

Bryce, no Hot Tamales were involved in the making of this film!

Npoe - you will like this Transformers much better than second one!

Liz Fichera said...

Oh, gawd. We watched this too. Looks like you missed the part when the idiot drunken teen takes his date out on a canoe (to be alone, of course) and starts taking pics of her. Naturally, the shark rises up in the pic. Didn't see that one coming. Not.

Gotta love SyFy!

Talli Roland said...

Happy fourth of July, Alex!

Brenda Drake said...

Hahahahaha, I wonder if that shark got drunk off of the idiotic frat boy. This was such a fun read! Happy Fourth of July! :D

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Liz, unfortuanately I did see that part!

Brenda, I'm sure he was wasted afterwards.

India Drummond said...

I think the most important thing when creating world rules is that they're consistent. They don't have to adhere to *our* physics and *our* rules, as long as you make it make sense in the context of *your* world. It's one of the things i love about spec fic!

Theres just life said...

Good now I don't need to go see the darn movie. I would like to thank you for sacrificing yourself for us.

Pamela Jo

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Well I certainly won't see Swamp Shark! ;-)

Sorry for my continued problems with the reader. I'm really pissed off too.

Sorry also I'll be MIA for a bit longer. I'm going away again and won't have much access til mid month.

Be well. Hope it was a happy 4th! xo Robyn

Jennie Bailey said...

We were clapping when frat boy got eaten and I don't think that makes us bad people. The carnage at the end with shark everywhere was pretty gnarly. You missed out. It wasn't too much longer after that.

Geof said...

Transformers 3 WAY better than 2 and the 3D was wild. It would've been better if they cut out 45 minutes of Shila since I see Transformers films to see Transformers.

And Swamp Shark...I saw this one and yes it was terrible. You know I truly believe people make these films to be bad on purpose. SyFy films are nothing more than modern day cult films.

Donea Lee said...

Lol - I like your ending! I've bet you got it spot on ~ :)

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Pamela, you are welcome!

Jennie, we are not bad people...

Geof, it could've been trimmed a bit.

Maurice Mitchell said...

A six sentence review of Transformers?! Amazing. I was kind of looking forward to the silly "Swamp Shark" in a masochistic way. I may still see it on DVD. ;)