Monday, September 27, 2010

Sharktopus: A Play-by-Play


Did you catch this SyFy disaster last Saturday night? Fear not! Though it was far worse than expected, I suffered through the event, just for YOU! There were far better things on TV that night, too. I caught glimpses of the Boise State game during the commercials, and let me tell you, that Smurf-blue field looked far more enticing! But I stuck it out so that I could present to you:

My thoughts while watching Sharktopus, recorded by the minute.

3 min – The “ding” of the elevator sounds just like my microwave oven chime.

7 min – They didn’t waste any time with pesky details like plot or exposition.

10 min – Roger Corman must have pictures of Eric Roberts with a donkey or something.

13 min – Roberts isn’t even trying. I think he’s cold-reading the script from cue cards.

15 min – Hot woman on beach – the movie is getting better.

16 min – Oh wait, Sharktopus killed her. Movie sucks again.

19 min – Not so attractive woman goes bungee jumping. I’m okay with her dying.

30 min – Various shots of sun-soaked, bikini-clad hotties flashes across the screen. This should be the centerpiece of the film.

37 min – Sharktopus attacks sunbathers. The CGI is so bad I find myself growing nostalgic for a guy in a big rubber suit.

42 min – A man tells Roberts there’s something on TV he has to see. I’m pretty sure it’s not Sharktopus.

44 min – The lead actress’s voice keeps shifting from British to American. She must’ve studied at the Kevin Costner Robin Hood School of Acting.

51 min - Is there enough alcohol in the house to get through this movie?

62 min – Pretty sure Roberts is drunk. Lucky basterd.

64 min – They should rename “SyFy Saturday Night” to “SyFy Saturday Craptacular.”

73 min – The upside to being eaten by Sharktopus: you don’t have to sit through the rest of Sharktopus.

80 min – A pirate radio DJ mocks Sharktopus and is devoured. This is a life lesson, people!

83 min – Sharktopus just pantsed some guy. That was… awkward.

93 min – No really, Roberts is hammered. This guy was on a three-day bender shooting this film.

98 min – The movie just morphed into a Puerto Vallarta travelogue. Or a bad Bollywood film. Not sure which.

101 min - I wonder if Boise State is still winning?

107 min – Roberts is killed by Sharktopus and there was much rejoicing.

110 min – Our hero now intends to run over Sharktopus with a minivan. Hope he’s insured.

122 min – Sharktopus is arrested on tax evasion charges. Movie over.

Now you don't have to waste two hours of your life! You can thank me later...

77 comments:

Ricky said...

Hilarious. I'll make a point of NEVER seeing it.

Jeffrey Beesler said...

Excellent play by play. Thanks for suffering through it for the rest of us! Your sacrifice is duly noted.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Ricky, save yourself!

Jeffrey, thank you.

Charles Gramlich said...

you da man

Holly Ruggiero, Southpaw said...

Thanks for the play by play. I'm with Jeffrey, your sacrifice is noted.

Copyboy said...

I find it hard to believe ER mailed it in. That's so not like him. Ever. haha

DEZMOND said...

the hot woman on the beach survived for just one minute??? Oh, gosh!

Oh, and I so expected an Emmy winning movie from this one! :PPP

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Thank you Charles and Holly!

Copyboy, I'll telling you - he was hammered!!!

Old Kitty said...

Oooh is there a sequel?
:-)

Take care
x

Piedmont Writer said...

Your play by play was fantastic! Just a wonderful rendition of a movie I know I'll never have to see.

And BTW, you had me snorting soda out my nose with the Robin Hood line. Thanks Alex.

Shirley Wells said...

Lol, too funny. Your sacrifice is appreciated. :)

Colene Murphy said...

That was the BEST movie rundown in HISTORY! XD Couldn't. stop. giggling! Totally agree with everyone. Your sacrifice was appreciated!

WritingNut said...

Ahhhhh.. UM.. thank you :D...No, seriously... Excellent run down!

Jo Schaffer said...

Haha! Sounds like a winner. Sometimes a campy movie, watched with friends, can turn into a night of Mystery Science Theater 3000 hilarity for all. (=

Gail said...

Wonderful summary...glad I did not waste my time.

Jane Kennedy Sutton said...

Thanks for the laugh. I have not heard of the movie and even if I had, I can’t imagine watching it. I’m relieved now that I won’t ever feel like I need to see it because of your entertaining recap.

Clarissa Draper said...

Wow, that was the best movie I've never seen. Thank for saving me those minutes. I owe you one.

CD

Stephen Tremp said...

RONTLMAO! Great synposis of the movie, much better than the movie itself I'm sure.

Stephen Tremp

Stephen Tremp said...

RONTLMAO! Great synposis of the movie, much better than the movie itself I'm sure.

Stephen Tremp

Elana Johnson said...

ROTFL! I loved this. Especially the "Craptacular." That was awesome!

Lynda Young said...

Aw...I wanna see it now! ;)

Kelly said...

OMG, that sounds awful! But the rundown was awesome!
Sidenote: Eric Roberts has been on the Young and the Restless the last few weeks. He's been getting some sweet acting gigs lately! ;)

Vicki Rocho said...

I think you should do your recap as a VLOG! Feel free to go on your own 3 day bender to prepare....

welcome to my world of poetry said...

It didn't get across the pond Alex.

Yvonne,

Karen Lange said...

I appreciate anything that saves me time. Thank you!

Chuck said...

Alex, I watched this movie on my DVR last night. I agree with every point above! I thought the subtle way Nicole shifted her accents was confusing at best. I learned/observed a few things.

1. I would have voted for the name Octo-Ark as offered up by host.

2. I probably would have changed that to Octo-Shark to avoid the confusion he claimed of the viewers thinking it had something to do with Noah and 8 boats.

3. The pirate radio's first mate was the hottest chick in the movie, glad she lived.

4. The radio pirate's acting while sharktopus was grabbing him off the boat made my spit beer...yes I said BEER!

5. Was this a real animal??? Seems like hundreds of rounds of automatic weapons fire point-blank should have killed a non-metallic shark thingy.

6. I can now make a film about anything (as long as I get Eric Roberts to play the lead). If this thing made it to TV how could anything I put together fail??

7. Lastly, I now know you can take a laptop on a small speed boat, sit all the way in the rear or on the side and use it efortlessly without getting yourself or the computer wet!

It was fun to watch knowing how cheesy and campy it was going to be.

lettucehead said...

I've never heard of this, and after reading your post, it's staying that way.

Jen Daiker said...

Hilarious! What's even more funny is that my mom and sister watched it and gave me the run-down once already, so what are the odds that someone else watched this! Too funny!

Kelly Dexter said...

I can't believe you sat through this! Thanks for breaking it down for us. The 44 and 83 minutes notations were my favorites.

Jules said...

You poor thing, I'll let you keep my bottle of wine ;)

Now what is with not so cute chicks being okay to be devoured by this creature? LOL
Jules @ Trying To Get Over The Rainbow

Liz Fichera said...

LMAO! Oh. My. God. And I thought I was the only one who caught the movie, although I admit to falling asleep at certain parts. You've captured it beautifully. Bravo!

clp3333 said...

I'm actually inspired to watch it. If I had a talking bubblegum machine or a brass crow I'd have a watch party and make fun of it.

Geof said...

No I missed it but it looks craptastic as hell. I totally forgot to watch it and would thank you for saving me time but I'm a shark film completist, even if it is genetically tied into an octopus. And if does end with it getting arrested for tax evasion, I'm going to BUY THE FILM!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Dezz, It might be up for a Razzie!

Piedmont - snorting soda? You just made my night.

Thank you, Colene, I did my best.

Jo, Mike and the Bots were sorely needed.

Stephen, MUCH better!

Kelly, he obviously landed those before anyone saw this film.

Vicki, maybe four days...

Yvonne, and for that you should be grateful.

Chuck, that's true on #3 - one of the only hot chicks to survive. And spitting beer is alcohol abuse - you do know that, don't you? Now you are free to make your own crappy movie.

Jen, only a few unlucky souls...

Jules, I was just being honest!

Thanks, Liz. Be thankful you napped.

Geof, unfortuantely... that's the only thing I made up. But everyting else was true, I swear!

Laura Eno said...

I wouldn't ever watch this, but your play-by-play was hilarious!

Budd said...

corman was much better on scinamax in the 90's. Then he could break up the lack of plot with nudity.

Carolyn V. said...

Whew! Thanks for the play by play! It was so fun. =D

eleristone said...

I love SyFy movie titles and the blurb descriptions for them on our cable guide. This Sat's is Children of the Corn: Killer kids stalk a bickering couple who are stranded in an Iowa town. Really, I don't know how you resist that.

lbdiamond said...

"The lead actress’s voice keeps shifting from British to American. She must’ve studied at the Kevin Costner Robin Hood School of Acting."

This made me laugh. (And I'm listening to the Schindler's List soundtrack as I read...It's Pandora, so it's not on purpose that I'm listening to this particular music as I read your blog...well, it sort of is cuz I picked the station--really, it's the Halo station, but SL happens to be playing...oh, never mind.)

lbdiamond said...

And why did I go on a detailed exposition of the music I listen to? Because it's pretty damned hard to laugh when listening to such somber music. Just sayin'.

Amity said...

I want to see this movie coz ur review made me curious, lols!

N. R. Williams said...

LOL funny Alex. Scfi should pay you to tell them when they should NOT make a movie. Oh wait, that would be NEVER. I make it a point to ignore their movies. But they have some cool series.

You have this already but I'm giving you another one, an award. I decided this time to give it to people who have helped me with my blogging efforts or in some other way. Your one of them.

It will be on tomorrow, Tuesday, 9/28/10, post.

Nancy
PS... Let me know if the sucker is still running slow.
N. R. Williams, fantasy author

Nicki Elson said...

Hey bubba, I see you joined the Meet an Author Monday thingy! Nice to have you aboard. :)

I thought Sharktopus was very good and Roberts' performace was captivating.

...

Just teasing. I don't even know who this Roberts fellow is and can't understand why anyone, ANYONE would ever watch something called "Sharktopus."

Just sayin.

-Nicki

P.S. Thanks for the song and the links for CassaStar.

ali said...

ROFL! We DVR'd it! We're gonna watch it tonight! The more "B" the movie, the better (we enjoy them a la Mystery Science Theater 3000!)

Carolina Valdez Miller said...

Hahahahaha! That was awesome. Very funny. Well, not for Roberts probably.

BryStearns said...

Oh man, that movie suddenly sounds better than ever! If I wasn't so busy Saturday night I would've watched it, but ALAS! I could not. But I was drinking :)

Marguerite said...

Hilarious review! Thanks for the great recap!

arlee bird said...

Fun review, but I still might have to see it myself. I'm not going to rush or go out of my way to do it, but maybe sometime when I need something mindless to numb my brain.

Lee
Tossing It Out

Cheeseboy said...

OK - 1. I HATE Boise State! (Most Utah Ute fans do) 2. As bad as this show sounds, it still sounds more pleasant than watching the Broncos win that game.

Cruella Collett said...

Haha, thanks for the laugh! I'm almost sad this movie probably will never make it to Norway - it sounds like a great drinking game movie (all the bad ones work) ;)

Nebular said...

Sarcastic and very hilarious review, Alex! :) Loved it. And promise not to see this SyFy crap. A month ago I watched another cheap SF rubbish - "Lake Placid 3", and it was so awful I promised myself never to watch a SyFy movie again.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Eleristone, I'm going to really try to resist!

LB, that made ME laugh!

Thanks, Nancy!!

Nicki, Roberts was once a good actor. Runaway Train was great.

Ali, it needs Mike and the Bots - desperately!

Bryan, then at least the movie didn't ruin a good beer for you.

Sorry, Cheeseboy! I just thought it funny that Oregon State painted their field blue for practice, hoping it would help. That would be a big no.

Cruella, it's perfect for that!

Nebular, Lake Placid 3 was on right before Sharktopus, believe it or not!

Renae said...

This was hilarious! And to think you suffered through just for us!

Justine Dell said...

I've seen Lake Placid 3. The only good thing about that movies was the graphics were waaay better than Lake Placid 2. It still stunk, though.

Thank you for the play-by-play of Sharktopus! Makes me want to curl up and watch a Lifetime movie instead. ;-)

~JD

aspiring_x said...

dud! this post made my morning! :)

The Golden Eagle said...

This is hilarious. :D

I'll definitely watch something else if I get the opportunity to watch Sharktopus.

Ellie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ellie said...

LOL. Your review makes the film sound so bad I actually want to watch it!

Sangu said...

HA! Loved this, it's hilarious and fantastic! Definitely never going to spend 122 minutes on Sharktopus. Really, how did they manage to stretch it into something so long?

Hart Johnson said...

You crack me up Alex--I'm sure your summary and review are much more entertaining than the movie--not that I have watched much Campy Sci-Fi since 'The Blob' (because honestly, what could beat that?) Sharktopus as a WORD though, remains very catchy. Too bad the film didn't measure up.

Tara said...

You crack me up!

Helen Ginger said...

Lordamercy, what a play-by-play. It sounds like a riveting movie, but now that you've given away the ending, I probably won't watch it.

You are so funny, Alex.

~Nicole Ducleroir~ said...

Your comments were hilarious! I'm inspired to take notes as I watch something on TV. Fun!!

I tagged you on my blog today :))

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Renae, I suffered so you don't have to!

Sangu, there wasn't even enough there for a 20 minute short.

Hart, if they realized their movies were bad and played up the camp, they might be fun rather than painful.

Helen, I try!

Nicole - Tagged? Uh-oh!

Nf1andprek-whisper said...

your play by play of this was hilarious.. it inspired me.. I think I will do this some time...
Funny shi*

L. Diane Wolfe said...

You should start your own Mystery Science Theater!

Jamie Gibbs said...

This post = awesome!
I'm glad that you endured the hardship of Sharktopus for the sake of all of us. You're a true hero :) Still, I may save it for my Hallowe'en bad movie night :P

Elizabeth Spann Craig/Riley Adams said...

Oh, that's hilarious! This show was not on my list of things to go see...now I'm making sure it's NEVER on my list of things to go see!

Sharon K. Mayhew said...

I'm hoping you got popcorn and a drink while studying this riveting movie...

Carolina Valdez Miller said...

Still laughing....

Hahahahaha!

Karen Peterson said...

You will be rewarded in heaven for your sacrifice.

Emily White said...

AHAHAHA! I was reading this to my husband and he had to stop me because he couldn't understand what I was saying from all my laughing. Pure brilliance!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Wasabi, please do!

Jamie, good luck.

Elizabeth, that is a wise move.

Karen, I hope so!

Emily, thank you - I aim to entertain!

Julie Musil said...

Oh my gosh, that's so funny! Thanks for gifting us with these two hours. You took one for the team, that's for sure.

I just watched your book trailer. LOVE IT!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Julie, thanks so much!!

DL Hammons said...

Has there ever been a ScyFy produced movie that has been any good? Really??

Powdered Toast Man said...

that tax evasion will always get ya. You sure it wasn't Wesley Snipes dressed up as sharktopus?